Let It Be Me

Tulips on the Capitol Square -- just in time for Mother's Day!

In a particularly moving episode of my new fave show, this song was playing in the background:

There may come a time
A time in everyone’s life

Where nothing seems to go your way
Where nothing seems to turn out right

There may come a time
You just can't seem to find your way
For every door you walk on to
Seems like they get slammed in your face

That’s when you need someone
Someone that you can call
And when all your faith is gone
Feels like you can't go on
Let it be me
Let it be me
If it's a friend that you need
Let it be me
Let it be me

And I'm choosing this song to mark Mother's Day this year because as it was playing, the scene unfolding was one that involved a teenager having a difficult time and her family being there for her.

This, more than anything else, is what I hope to be for my children: present. To their joys, to their difficulties, to their good days and their bad days, to their successes and their failures, to their sickness and their health. And because of the nature of our custody agreement, I can't be physically present all the time. When I'm not physically present, I can provide support on the phone, via email and snail mail, and energetically. I can also use the time for both self-care and housework so that when they are physically present, I can enjoy them as much as possible. And I know that while there is a loss involved in this arrangement, there are also gifts. Such is life.

I am also keenly aware, this mother's day, of the lack of a feeling of my family rallying around me during a difficult time. They try in their way, and I know that to some extent, it is I that keeps them at arms' length. I haven't had great experience in the past with the kind of support that they are able to offer. It tends to come with some judgement that just isn't very useful for my healing process.

In the middle of one of my crying jags the other morning over the loss I'm experiencing at the moment, I thought of the choice that I know I've written about in this blog before -- the choice to let this sort of raw experience soften you or allow it to harden you. As I made the conscious choice to allow the softening, I had the realization that this softening may be of use in terms of providing some healing with my family. Given my experience with the love I'm letting go of and my experience with my family, I can tell you that this falls far short of an even trade, but I guess that's not the way it works. In time, I know I will have someone by my side to navigate the sometimes difficult terrain that is my family, but for now, I'm going to have to allow there to be an uncomfortable space, and that's never fun.

Good thing it is a beautiful sunny day, my daughter had a successful 10th birthday party, and I am filled with gratitude for the honor of being mother to two amazing kids...