All My Days

Listening to this song tonight confirmed what I've been feeling and writing about these past few days: My story is only partially told. Makes sense -- after all, statistically speaking at least -- I have probably only lived about half of my days.

Still, I can relate to most of the song:

Well I have been searching all of my days
All of my days
Many a road, you know
I've been walking on
All of my days
And I've been trying to find
What's been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well I have been quietly standing in the shade
All of my days
Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made
All of this rain
And I've been trying to find
What's been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near
All of my days
I cried aloud
I shook my hands
What am I doing here
All of these days
For I look around me
And my eyes confound me
And it's just too bright
As the days keep turning into night

All that I can really relate to, but this next verse definitely speaks to a destination at which I have not yet arrived:

Now I see clearly
It's you I'm looking for
All of my days
Soon I'll smile
I know I'll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems you've found me
And it's coming into sight
As the days keep turning into night
As the days keep turning into night
And even breathing feels all right
Yes, even breathing feels all right
Now even breathing feels all right
It's even breathing
Feels all right

I haven't found the man I'm looking for, or he hasn't found me, or at the very least, we don't know it yet. And that doesn't feel ideal, but it does feel ok.

What doesn't feel ok is that breathing doesn't feel all right or even alright right now. When I try to inhale, I can feel the knot in my back -- right behind my heart -- that won't go away. My exhale also feels limited.

It feels like all this is telling me that I have more grieving to do. I wish I didn't. I'm sick of grief. But I want to be able to breathe easily, and I have to think that my ability to breathe easily and finding the man with whom, with any luck, I'm going to get to spend the second half of my days, are linked.

Guess I know what I need to do...