This Time

I was talking to a friend last night who is also in this in-between space -- kind of out there again -- she'd like to be -- but also still dealing with all the feelings that come with the dissolution of a marriage.

It's difficult, when things don't go our way with one love, not to close ranks around the heart in order to protect it the next time around, just like Tracy's singing about in this song:

This time
I won't show I'm vulnerable
This time
I won't give in first
This time
I will hold out with my love
This time
I will not be hurt

I'm gonna love myself
More than anyone else
I'm gonna treat me right
I'm gonna make you say
That you love me first
And you'll be the one with the most to lose tonight
This time

This time
I won't let my emotions rule my life
This time
I'm gonna keep my heart locked safe inside
This time
I'm gonna be my own best friend
This time
I'm gonna be the one

Methinks some of her vows are healthy, others not so much. In my last relationship, I can honestly say that I let emotions rule longer than really made sense if I were evaluating what I was being offered in that relationship versus what I was getting.

I loved him truly, madly, deeply, and knew that he felt the same about me, only he wasn't prepared to do with that love what I wanted to do with it: treasure it, protect it, nurture it, prioritize it, keep it. I knew that, in my head, but I let my heart, which stubbornly chose to focus only on the madly in love part, rule for as long as he was here with me, and even for a few weeks after he was gone.

I try to have compassion for both of us, to know that we were where we needed to be while we were there, but sometimes that's easier to do than others.

In any case, this time, I won't keep my heart locked safe inside -- I know that letting myself be vulnerable is a huge part of what made my last love so significant for me -- but I will allow my brain to check in every so often and ask how it's going. I will be my own best friend, but I'll talk to my other best friend too, and try to really listen to what we're both saying. And if I know something's not quite right, I'll have the guts to do something about it.

Yep, Tracy, this time, I'm gonna be the one. And so is my friend. With just the right man for each of us.

I just know it...