Hello Again

I was talking to a friend about the space I'm occupying right now, this in-between stage, and explaining how when my kids aren't around, I feel unmoored. It's not a horrible feeling, but it's not comfortable either. I have a sense that I don't want to fill my life with people or things just to fill my life -- that I want to instead make space for people and activities that really feed me -- mind, body and soul. But doing so leaves a lot of space.

I'm getting used to that feeling when I'm at home. I feel more alone than lonely, which is an important distinction, when I'm snuggled up at home. My bed is once again a place of comfort rather than a vortex of grief with a ghost sleeping next to me, a ghost that never held me or comforted me or pleasured me the way the man it replaced once had.

So I have to say I was surprised that, when I went to Milwaukee and stayed in a hotel last night, I went right back to lonely. I guess in a way it makes sense -- when I traveled when we were together, I always looked forward to our check-in over the phone -- to that feeling of connection even if our bodies were separated for a brief period of time.

This time around, as I tucked myself into my hotel bed, I had only my friends from Glee to keep me company, and when they pulled out this number, I just cried and cried:

Hello again, hello
Just called to say hello
I couldn't sleep at all tonight
And I know it's late
But I couldn't wait

Hello, my friend, hello
Just called to let you know
I think about you ev'ry night
When I'm here alone
And you're there at home, hello

Maybe it's been crazy
And maybe I'm to blame
But I put my heart above my head
We've been through it all
And you loved me just the same
And when you're not there
I just need to hear

Hello, my friend, hello
It's good to need you so
It's good to love you like I do
And to feel this way
When I hear you say, hello

We tried continuing to talk after he left, but it didn't bring up the feelings for me that Neil talks about here. It didn't feel good to need him so when he'd made the decision not to be with me and my kids. It didn't feel good to love him while watching our lives move apart from each other, with no plan for them to come back together. And it didn't feel good to hear him say hello. It felt excruciating -- it felt like "here is the voice of the person I most want to be saying hello to me, the same person who said goodbye to our life together."

And so, it's going to be a while before I get to the point where I'm going to want to talk to him again. For me that time isn't going to come until I've moved on, until both the greeting and the conversation can be much more casual than the loaded hello of which Neil so beautifully sings:

Hello, my friend, hello
Just called to let you know
I think about you ev'ry night
And I know it's late
But I couldn't wait
Hello