Human After All

Went for a run with a friend tonight and then had dinner afterward, and as usual, we chatted about our lives. She was very complimentary about who I am as a friend, as a mother, as a human being. It felt really good to be seen and recognized for the person I try to be.

She's struggling, as many people who love me are, with my loved one's departure. No one can make sense of it. She said, and I've gotten this from a lot of people, that she'd be angry.

I've been angry, I assured her.

And I'd be really sad, she added.

Yes, I agreed, I am sad quite often.

But in the end, I don't suppose it matters a lot why it's happening, but it's happening. Might as well accept it. As my friend Sugar said in a letter I read last night, acceptance just means admitting that something is true. It doesn't mean it's okay with you, it doesn't mean you have to like it, it means you acknowledge that it is. He is leaving.

When I got home from dinner, I watched a little Parenthood while I did some chores, and at the end of a particularly touching episode, this song played:

Remember we said we were gonna live forever
And we would paint over the writing on the wall
We chase that sunset till we're blind
Then wake up to find
We are only human after all
We are only human after all

If I'd known that it would end
I would've paid a little more attention
Memorized every look and touch
Every fragment of us

I don't know. I paid a LOT of attention, you know? To little moments and big moments. And despite his impending move, I still feel loved and cherished and adored in his presence, and I still feel those same things about him. And as embarrassed as I am about my back and forth about this relationship, mostly I just feel so grateful that for once in my life, I let my heart be in control. And my heart is very, very clear about its feelings toward him.

The fact that in a matter of days, it'll be over? I don't know how I'll cope with that. Probably by practicing acceptance, and for continuing to show up as life goes on without him:

Starin' out across the lake
That horizon's turnin' red and grey
Watch the waves as the fall and rise
Like our dreams, like our lives

Remember we said we were gonna live forever
And we would paint over the writing on the wall
We chase that sunset till we're blind
Then wake up to find
We are only human after all
We are only human after all