Band on the Run

When I woke up this morning, this song was the one in my head. Lest the selection seem completely random, it was the answer to a Trivial Pursuit question in a game we played with my folks during our Christmas visit.

But as far as I can tell, there's not much significance or relevance to the lyrics, with the possible exception of the line about rodents on the run, because I had a crazy dream last night that my daughter's guinea pig escaped:

Well, the undertaker drew a heavy sigh seeing no one else had come,
And a bell was ringing in the village square for the rabbits on the run.
Band on the run, band on the run.
And the jailer man and sailor sam, were searching every one

In the dream, the guinea pig's fur was all spiked up and she was trying her hardest to get away. I looked helplessly at my boyfriend, hoping he'd have a solution, but he just shrugged his shoulders as the beloved pet cleared the final hurdle to freedom.

Strange. The night before that, I dreamt that all of my son's fish died. They were floating on the bottom of the tank, and when I saw it, knowing how difficult it was going to be for my son, I just cried.

Why the repeated dreams about pets in peril? Not sure, but I'm guessing it reflects the lesser degree of personal safety I feel now that I live in a bigger house. My old house was sort of like a womb for myself and my kids. It held us tightly, and there wasn't much room for anyone else. And I guess there was a certain safety in that. I was a lot less vulnerable than I am right now, emotionally, physically, financially.

It's difficult not to feel sometimes like I just want to be back in that womb, and though I certainly do seek a greater amount of comfort than I feel right now, I know deep down that, despite signs to the contrary (like the tile floor buckling in the master bath, as it did yesterday), it was time for me to move, time to create more space for myself and my family to grow. I don't get to control how or when that growth happens, though, and I suppose that is the part that presents the most difficulty for me.

Last night during an emotional phone conversation with a close friend, I shared many of these feelings, and my friend suggested that I practice loving kindness meditation, invoking these powerful words:

May I be filled with loving kindness
May I be well in body and mind
May I be safe from inner and outer dangers
May I be happy, truly happy, and free

I was too exhausted to take her advice last night, so I'm off to do that now...