Karma Chameleon

Ah, Boy George. I think he may have been my first experience with androgyny, and when this song came on at the gym the other day, I was pleasantly surprised to hear it:

Karma karma karma karma, karma chameleon
You come and go, you come and go
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dream
Red gold and green, red gold and green

Since then, this part in particular has been drifting in and out of my consciousness:

You come and go, you come and go

As I've blogged about the last couple of weeks, and really for the last couple of years (but there have been new developments in the past couple of weeks), I am really trying to reconcile the position in which I find myself: in love with an incredible man, who loves me right back, whom my children love and he loves them right back... this sounds promising... sounds like what I'd been dreaming of (sing it BG):

Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dream

But wait: ...who has repeatedly expressed that he isn't sure he ever wants to get remarried and definitely isn't ready for a big commitment now and who has decided he really can't be happy living in the Midwest.

Ok, not quite as promising as I thought. Sometimes I find myself feeling angry about this situation, and I quite often find myself feeling sad, and I've tried to figure out a way to deal with it that wouldn't leave me smack in the middle of such an emotional conundrum. Even before I knew he was planning to move back, when I realized he wasn't ready or willing to be my partner, I've tried breaking up with him, I've tried transitioning to a friendship, I've tried just being in the moment -- none of these have been effective at dealing with this situation in the way that alleviates the anger and the sadness for long:

Every day is like survival
You're my lover, not my rival
Every day is like survival
You're my lover, not my rival

Still, I just keep coming to the same conclusion as my boy George did in that last verse. He is my lover, maybe not forever but for today, that's what he is. And for me to try to arbitrarily tell my heart and my body otherwise just really doesn't work very well.

So how to deal with the seeming contradiction in front of me? This great love, that I believed when I found it, I'd have it all? And when I realized my boyfriend is on a different path, I got mad, believed he should be on the path that I want him to be on so he can be the one to fulfill my desires, because he was the one with whom I was first able to share that total physical, spiritual and emotional connection.

But what if it doesn't work that way, and I don't have to be mad or sad about it? What if I just chose to accept that he came into my life to teach me about that love, and to reintroduce me to the joys of wonderful outdoor adventures, and introduce my children to them, but also to learn to be ok with the fact that my life is not always going to go according to my grand plan and that my loved ones are not necessarily going to choose to walk my path with me or the path that I would choose for them in all my infinite wisdom?

And what if the most important lesson of all is that although I may have to or even choose to give up this particular man as my romantic partner -- I'm hearing it again:

You come and go, you come and go

I never, ever have to let go of the knowledge, and the beauty, and the life-affirming nature of true love.

Then it's not so maddening or sad after all, is it?