You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling

This afternoon I traveled to Blue Mounds, about 30 minutes outside Madison, for a special new year's yoga class. I was feeling pretty vulnerable, and the class, which was focused on opening the back of the heart, forced me to sit with that vulnerability in a way that wasn't comfortable. At the end of the class, we set our intentions for the year, and mine were much the same as last year, only clearer -- it didn't take so long to pull them out of myself and put them on paper:

1) Remain open to love
2) Continue to practice and teach yoga in ways that facilitate myself and others to remaining open to love.
3) Trust that there is enough and continue to follow divine guidance.

After class, I went to Blue Mounds State Park to cross country ski. It was about a year ago that I was there doing the same thing with my boyfriend, when we happened upon that amphitheater in the woods, and I had a vision of our wedding being held there. When I tried to share that vision with him, he bristled, and I felt hung out there, vulnerable, much like I was headed into yoga class this afternoon. Only this time, for the skiing, it was just me, and I intentionally avoided the amphitheater. A reminder that he wasn't hearing any wedding bells was the last thing I needed.

I didn't last long out there. Hungry and cold, I got back in the car and started driving home. Rather than listen to music as I had on the way out there, I decided to simply be with the experience and the feelings I had leaving Blue Mounds.

Even without playing music, I wasn't without a song for long, but I was a little surprised by the selection:

You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips.
And there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips.
You're trying hard not to show it, (baby).
But baby, baby I know it...

You've lost that lovin' feeling,
Whoa, that lovin' feeling,
You've lost that lovin' feeling,
Now it's gone...gone...gone...wooooooh.

I can't really explain what's going on with us, but I can say that we haven't consistently had that loving feeling for at least a couple of months, and I can say that we went through the same thing last winter.

But there are a couple of important ways in which our experience diverges from the song. My boyfriend hasn't been trying hard not to show it. He's been saying, as he did last year, that he just doesn't know if he can live here, and as such, he doesn't feel like it is right, and/or it confuses the issue to allow himself to have that lovin' feeling toward me while he has so much pain in his heart about where he is in his life.

And so, my experience is indeed, at least as far as the romantic connection between us is concerned:

Now there's no welcome look in your eyes
when I reach for you.
And now your're starting to critisize little things I do.
It makes me just feel like crying, (baby).
'Cause baby, something in you is dying.

He says that the thing that is in him that's dying is the part that loves the mountains, loves his home, his people. I get that it is hard, but it doesn't seem to me that any of those parts have to die. I guess this is where, at least for the moment, we diverge.

What's a girl to do? Cry, sleep, do yoga, reach out to friends, get a dog, read more, get back to work and to a regular exercise schedule... oh yeah, and keep my heart open. Because just like I don't believe that any part of his love for mountains or place or people has to die, I don't believe our love has to die, either:

Baby, baby, I get down on my knees for you.

If you would only love me like you used to do, yeah.

We had a love...a love...a love you don't find everyday.

So don't...don't...don't...don't let it slip away.

Baby (baby), baby (baby),
I beg of you please...please,
I need your love (I need your love),
I need your love (I need your love),
So bring it on back (So bring it on back),
Bring it on back (so bring it on back).

Bring back that lovin' feeling,
Whoa, that lovin' feeling
Bring back that lovin' feeling,
'Cause it's gone...gone...gone,
and I can't go on,
noooo...