Corduroy

It has come to my attention that I'm doing it again: taking care of other people in an effort to meet my own desire/need to be cared for. I'm pretty sure this is a holdover from my childhood. When I was a little girl and I needed to be taken care of, my Dad was often at work and my Mom was too sick to take care of me. As I got a little older, it was more common that my Mom was at work and my Dad was too sick to take care of me. In both cases, taking care of them was all I could do, but it didn't help me get my needs met!

Everything has changed

Absolutely nothing's changed

Now that I'm all grown up, I really try to sort out what I can do for myself and what I need others to help with. But every time I go through a big life adjustment, such as returning to full-time work, it feels like I'm batting blindfolded for a while again. And that just might be life, but it's also the way I respond to it that is problematic. When I feel my hold on my own life slipping, I turn my attention outward and start to give more to others.

Sure, it helps a little. It takes my attention off my discomfort with the increasing chaos in my own life, and it feels good to give to the people I love. But ultimately, I end up feeling more depleted when I don't get what I need.

The other problem I have is when I zero in on one person as being able to respond to the entirety of my needs. I've done this before in both friendships and romantic relationships, and right now, I'm right smack in the middle of doing it in that latter category. Meeting all of my needs wouldn't be possible if he were physically present, and it sure as hell isn't possible from a 1000 miles away. When we hung up the phone this morning, I cried, recognizing that the pattern I just described was happening again.

A few minutes later my daughter crawled in bed with me, and I tried to snuggle with her -- but she's not really one for a lot of physical closeness. And that felt hard. When I got to school, I saw my friend (who is one for physical closeness), who asked how I was doing. Having learned my lesson this morning, I very clearly stated how I was feeling and what I needed: "Not good. I'm not getting enough TLC." And then he gave me a giant hug and said he was here for me and an endless reservoir. So I lingered a little longer in that embrace, and then I felt a little better. I have to remember to share the wealth of my needs with all my people -- it takes a village for yours truly to get what she needs.

Oh yeah, the reason for picking this song. Make that two reasons:

1) I know no more effective salve for my wounded psyche than Eddie's voice

2) "I don't want to take what you can't give" ran through my head this morning after the phone call. It feels a little ironic that, when I looked up the lyrics, I saw that they were in fact:

I don't want to take what you CAN give

Hmmmm. That feels like a message. About accepting who people are and what they can give in this moment. I think I'll ponder that as I take my corduroy-clad ass off this bed and get to work on bringing the chaos under control...