River

Last night I didn't leave the office until about 6pm, but I left in pretty good spirits. I'd had a good, productive day, made a couple of good connections, gotten a little exercise in...

So it felt a little incongruous when my internal jukebox started to spin this song as I walked to the parking garage (one more week of having a free parking spot which, when combined with below zero temps, makes the auto-commute pretty irresistible). This is usually a song I dial up on the ipod when I feel really sad or uncomfortable and want to hear that feeling sung to me in Joni's gentle tones. But I didn't feel particularly sad. And it wasn't Christmas. And it was these lyrics I heard:

Oh I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

Not the ones that make me giggle and get to think about Joni Mitchell as being something other than the maternal energy she is for me:

And he loved me so naughty

Made me weak in the knees

I just couldn't figure it out. As the night wore on, I had a less-than-completely satisfying conversation with the one person who always makes me feel better and when I hung up I did feel a little sad, but I still didn't really know why. Then I drove out to teach my yoga class and nobody came. It didn't feel awesome, but I had known some of my regulars wouldn't be there so I wasn't completely crushed. And then later I talked to my son and mentioned that I was home early because no one came to class. "Oh Mom, I'm sorry," he said. "I thought people liked your class?" And then I just started to cry, maybe partly because of the rejection but mainly because of the sweetness of my child's recognition that that didn't feel good.

And then, as he told me about his day, the mystery of the song choice became crystal clear: he'd been ice skating for pe class that day. He's not a very capable skater, and there's another kid in his class who tends to like to pull immature little pranks on him whenever possible. This other kid can move on skates, and took advantage by skating past my son and pulling his ski mask off and skating away with it. That had to have been a shitty feeling, I told him, and I agreed that it wasn't very mature. What I really wanted to do was take him in my arms and play him this song, but that will have to wait a couple more days:

I wish I had a river so long

I would teach my feet to fly

Oh I wish I had a river

I could skate away on...