Darkness Between the Fireflies

This little beauty was my first thought this am

When I woke up early this morning, for the first time since, hmmm, a long time, my first thought/image was not of my New Englander.

It was, instead, of my friend's beautiful newborn, whom I had the pleasure of holding for nearly three hours yesterday. What a lovely image, and I had no trouble going back to sleep, which was a welcome change.

I did dream about him though, when I went back to sleep. I dreamt that he wouldn't kiss me, and didn't want to have sex. I can count on one hand the number of times that actually happened in the time we were together -- mostly the physical part of our relationship was really satisfying. I keep having dreams with a similar theme, though, where for one reason or another, the sex isn't working. I know there is a message for me in this, I'm just not sure what it is yet.

When my alarm went off later in the morning, rousing me for my yoga practice, it is was this song that came through my ipod:

I woke up before you in the total darkness
Early morning
I could hear the wind in the trees
I was looking for the light to bring you out
From the shadows
Redefine you now for only me

Wow. That's powerful. And it gets better:

And honey i'm sure
That you've been in love before
Plenty of men have held high places in your eyes
And jealousy has got no use for me
The past is beautiful
Like the darkness between the fireflies

I think I might make this my theme song for the moment. I love the image of the past being like the darkness between the fireflies. I tend to both think about and feel darkness as negative, but this is a great reframing.

I think I might be moving into a space where I'm more willing to see my last relationship as a place for learning. This morning in savasana I was able to clearly see my part in our parting, and recognize that the fear of abandonment, the fear of unworthiness, the fear of not being loved -- that's my work. I wanted to find a way for him not to abandon me so I wouldn't have to feel the other hard stuff, when all the time, what I didn't realize is that I need to bring worthiness and knowledge that I am love and am loved to the relationship, not use the relationship to get it. That's powerful learning.

I was driving faster through the appalachians
I could see the world go out below me in the sun
You should know by now
That someone's always been there
Long before you
You're never going to be the only one

And honey i'm sure
That you've been in love before
Plenty of men have held high places in your eyes
But jealousy has got no use for me
The past is beautiful
Like the darkness between the fireflies
Beautiful like the darkness between the fireflies

I'm working on seeing the past as beautiful. All of it. Even the part that didn't work out like I wanted it too. And that makes the present a whole lot more pleasant too...