Better Be Good to Me

Today one of my friends sent me a link to a blog post about heartbreak. The basic gist of it was that there are two ways to have your heart broken. One is to have it broken open into new life and the other is to have it fracture into a million pieces. Last summer, my heartbreak felt like the million little pieces variety, but now, it definitely feels broken open. I can feel things starting to shift, and unlike last summer and fall, when all I wanted to do was isolate myself, I'm now feeling social and full of life.

Case in point: After work today I hopped in my car and drove out to the Trek headquarters to meet my new friend (who both works at Trek and is a mountain biker) to ride Trek's private trails. It was a gorgeous day and the trails and the company were really fun, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that the ghost of my former boyfriend and mountain biking pal wasn't riding right along with me. He was. And there was an element to that that felt good -- imagining how he'd have chosen to do all the optional crazy shit (of which I only tackled a small amount) -- and how much he would've enjoyed it, especially in the context of his Wisconsin mountain biking life, which he found so wanting. But there was also -- especially after my hostess's fiance and stepson showed up -- an element of profound sadness.

When we finished riding, a big group of guys were gathering around a fire pit, getting ready for their Wednesday night ride, and I had the sense that I wanted to be more connected to that group than I am. Which I guess is a good thing, because I think ongoing connection is available there, and I'm excited to see the shape that it takes.

On the drive back to Madison, I heard this Tina Turner number:

A prisoner of your love entangled in your web
Hot whispers in the night
I'm captured by your spell
Captured
Oh yes, I'm touched by this show of emotion
Should I be fractured by your lack of devotion
Should I? Should I?

Part of me does feel fractured by his lack of devotion, but not nearly as fractured as I felt last summer. Now I feel more resolute about demanding what I deserve and moving on if he can't provide it:

Oh, you better be good to me
That's how it's gotta be now
'Cause I don't have no use
For what you loosely call the truth
And you better be good to me
Yeah, you better be good

Come on, come on
Be good to me

I think it's also right that we don't need to fight
We stand face to face and you present your case
Yes, I know, you keep telling me that you love me
And I really do wanna believe
But did you think I'd just accept you in blind faith
Oh, sure baby, anything to please you

But you better be good to me
That's how it's gotta be now
'Cause I don't have the time
For your overloaded lies
And you better be good to me
Yeah, you better be good, good to me

Be good to me

And I really don't see
Why it's so hard to be good to me
And you know, I don't understand
What's your plan that you can't be good to me

What I can't feel I surely cannot see
Why can't you be good to me
And if it's not real I do not wish to see
Why don't you be good to me

Why can't you be good to me?
Why can't you be good to me?
Why can't you be good to me?
Why can't you be good to me?
Why can't you be good to me?

I don't know. Seems like his wounds are just too in his way right now, and for as long as he chooses to let them be...