Human

I love this happy couple!

Yesterday I went to the wedding of some dear friends of mine. It was an outdoor ceremony, in which the groom's 4-year old son was an integral part, and it was super sweet.

Normally I cry at weddings, but at this one I didn't. I don't know if it was the presence of a little kid, or the fact that I was with coworkers rather than loved ones, but no tears.

Although I was super glad to witness the union of two people I care about, it wasn't exactly easy. Being there alone, rather than in a couple. And being there knowing that my dreams of marrying the man from New England were all but dead wasn't easy either.

From the moment I woke up yesterday, I was dealing with anger about those dreams dying. I had a dream in which I was so angry I was looking for something to break that wouldn't make too big of a mess. Strange, I know. You'd think in a dream I could smash whatever I wanted, but I was pretty careful. Afterward, (but still in the dream), I was trying to calm down, and I started walking down a path when I ran into my 11-year old daughter, who took one look at me and cursed, as if she knew exactly what I was upset about and thought it sucked too. I went to scold her for it, but then stopped myself. Seemed pretty appropriate to be feeling that way about it.

The reception turned out to be fun, but at one point I found myself passing judgement on a guy who lived with a woman for 5 years and then recently started dating someone whom he already wants to marry. He took it in good humor, but today when I was riding my bike I realized that I had projected my anger and sadness about my own relationship ending rather than resulting in marriage onto him, so I decided to send him an email and apologize for my behavior.

My bike ride didn't turn out as planned, either. I'd hoped to revisit some single track along the river that I rode a couple of summers ago with my now departed (from my life anyway) mountain biking pal, but I couldn't find it, so I ended up riding along a different section of the river on a wider gravel trail. It was still in the woods, and I got to see a great blue heron take off, so it wasn't a total loss. But it did get me in touch with the tears that hadn't flowed at the wedding. "I don't know where I'm going without my mountain biking pal," I sobbed. "On my mountain bike or in my life." Which sounds a little melodramatic, but it also happens to be true. And although it feels uncertain and scary, it also feels pregnant with possibility, and I haven't been carrying that baby for quite some time now.

I decided to jump in the car after my ride and head back to Madison in time to make it to Alanon, and I'm sure glad I did. I suggested the topic of letting go, and I got all kinds of good advice from the folks around the table. One guy said "pound the gratitude" which I thought was pretty darn cute, and an old man said to me on his way out: "We all want our way, Sarah, we just don't always get it."

Nope, we don't. But it's only human for us to want our way. Just ask Christina Perri:

(But) I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am

Another piece of advice I got at the meeting was to act as if. Act as if I'm over him. Act as if I'm letting go. And it makes sense. Because if I'm acting as if I'm over him, I'm not still sending him emails, which I did as recently as three days ago. "Forgiveness isn't necessarily forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt," another man said. Yes. I need to work on forgiveness. I need to work on letting go of the hurt.

And:

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

I know I can. I just need to give myself time and space to work through it, and remember that:

(But) I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it

Yes I will...