I Am What I Am

Yesterday I went to an Alanon meeting, which is a good place to share the pain of this breakup with a group of people who know all-too-well about pain. The topic was focusing on ourselves rather than trying to change others, which was a pretty perfect topic for me. I particularly liked the quote from the reading from Courage to Change that someone shared:

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image." (Thomas Merton)

The thing is, I love who my favorite New Englander is. I loved who he was when we first met and I loved who he was last week when we were with him. I wanted to spend my life celebrating who he is and who we are together. But did I twist him to fit my own image? I don't know. If I did, I didn't do it knowingly. But I did take his actions -- like moving across the country to be with me -- as a yes to the person I wanted him to be -- i.e., someone who wants to get married, share a home with their partner, and have kids and a dog. In retrospect, I guess he wasn't sure he wanted to be that person. He didn't want any of those responsibilities. I thought that meant that he was scared, and I think he was, but I also don't think he was clear, and really still isn't, on what he wants. When he left town last June, he said he didn't want them. When he called up at Christmas, he said he did. When I was out there last week, he said he hoped I'd find someone who wanted to have a family. I thought YOU wanted a family, I wanted to scream. I thought we WERE a family. That's why I put you on our fricking Christmas card two years in a row.

But even if he had been or became clear on that at some point, there's another part of him I tried to change. And that was the part that hasn't yet fully dealt with the trauma of his painful childhood, or his divorce for that matter. In my opinion he has ongoing mental health issues that haven't been fully addressed, and he continues to choose to address them the way he always has: By doing what he loves. I never wanted to take away what he loves. I wanted to see him revel in those activities, and I wanted to work on getting better at them myself. But I also wanted him to become more functional in the world. To keep appointments that he makes, understanding that it is disrespectful of other people's time to say you will be somewhere and not show up. To understand that it's just irresponsible to behave that way, even if you're doing it because you got caught up doing something you love. And to choose for himself to live differently. More consciously. More wholeheartedly. I admit it. I wanted to change him in that way. It felt justified, too, because I think we both knew he'd be better off if he could. But he wasn't invested in that change, and me wanting to do it for him made me feel more like his mother than his partner, and that wasn't satisfying for either one of us.

I found this song, which seems to be right in line with what I'm wrasslin' with here:

I know you've read
So many books
You keep a breast of all the things you think you should
You've got your own home grown philosophy
And it works for you
But please don't try to make it work for me

You have nothing to prove
But you're trying much too hard
Stop trying to change me (Stop trying to change me...)
I am what I am (I am what I am...)
No I don't need you to save me (I don't need you to save me...)
I am what I am (I am what I am...)

I don't want you to show me (I don't need you to show me...)
Because I stand where I stand (I stand where I stand...)
I just need you to know me (just need you to know me)
Just know who I am (Just know who I am...)

Just know who I am...
Just know who I am...

I know you feel
You need to prove
That you are good at something
Everything you try to do
And people have on your every word
That you deliver
With conviction
Though they may just be absurd

Leave your armor behind
Free your vulnerable mind

Stop trying to change me (Stop trying to change me...)
I am what I am (I am what I am...)
No I don't need you to save me (I don't need you to save me...)

I am what I am (I am what I am...)
I don't want you to show me (I don't need you to show me...)
Because I stand where I stand (I stand where I stand...)
I just need you to know me (just need you to know me)
Just know who I am (Just know who I am...)

Just know who I am...
Just know who I am...

I tried. I really did. And I thought I knew who he was. But the man I fell in love with wouldn't have turned his back on this love. He would've instead taken steps to nurture and cherish it. Unfortunately, I'm not sure where that man went. He hasn't consistently shown up for me or with me since 2012.

That's right, more than two years ago. I know. It is time for me to move on. Time for me to put this one behind me. And I will. I know I will. It's just really, really hard to do...