Am I Too Blue

As I've written about recently, the rest of my body seems to be taking this break-up almost as hard as my heart. The latest additions to my list of maladies are low back pain, knee pain and headaches. Ugh. Time for as much bodywork as I can fit into my schedule and afford.

Yesterday I went to the chiropractor -- not the one that takes my insurance and therefore costs $6 but only spends about 3 minutes with me -- but the one who spends 45 minutes with me, employs the graston technique among others, and costs $40. He worked on my low back, as well as my psoas, and as he was adjusting me he asked if I was headed back up north anytime soon. I started to tell him about my plan to take the kids camping next week in Door County, and I just started bawling. It was pretty embarrassing, but I guess it was an effective way to communicate that a large part of why my body is such a mess is emotional:

Am I too blue for you?
Am I too blue?
When I cry like the sky
Like the sky sometime
Am I too blue?

I heard this song tonight after I got home from bodywork #2 in 2 days -- today it was acupuncture. I love Lucinda Williams, and the lyrics really spoke what I've been feeling with some people in my life about where I am emotionally.

Case in point: the mail guy at work came over to my desk and asked what was up with me. I told him that I was dealing with my love leaving Wisco and his response was: "I thought you dealt with that six months ago?" And he isn't wrong, I did, when the decision was made, but I still have to deal with it now that it's actually happened, and I think it's hard for some people to be confronted with other people's emotions.

Seeing my acupuncturist - and I hadn't seen her in 7 months -- was super helpful. She traced back a lot of my current physical issues to the dehydration incident after the last half marathon, explaining that my kidneys had been stressed by that and with the hot weather, amount of raw food I've been eating, and amount of exercise, they just haven't gotten enough of a break to get back to normal. She asked how I'd been sleeping, and I explained the problem with that, and she said that also fit with the kidney issue.

And I cried, a lot, catching her up on what has gone on in my life over the last 7 months. I explained to her how very hard it is for me now, not to know what or how he's doing:

Is the night too black?
Is the wind too rough?
Is it at your back?
Have you had enough?

Do you miss my touch?
Do you wanna stay?
Do you have so much
Still left to say?

But I went through a phase, after he left, when I couldn't handle knowing how he was doing. When the thought of hearing his voice threatened to crack me open and break me. And then not hearing his voice did crack me open, but I didn't break.

Who knows where he is in that process? All I can do, as I have done, is tell him I'm in a space now where I've dealt with the anger and the fear and there's space again, on my end, to receive from him when he's ready:

When you're in the dark
Do ya call my name?
Is there still a spark?
Does it feel the same?

The sun beats down
It burns your skin
When you run into, my arms again

In the meantime, I'm not going to stop fantasizing about holding him again, but I am going to continue to try to live my life and be in my body as peacefully as I can. As I was leaving my appointment, my acupuncturist told me I was doing really great. I cried and said: "Really? Is this what great feels like?"

Am I too blue for you?
Am I too blue?
When I cry like the sky
Like the sky sometime
Am I too blue?

And she said I might not feel great, but I had handled the situation beautifully by being clear about my needs and leaving space for him to figure out what he needs. Nope, I don't feel great, but I know that creating space is good, even when it's scary...