Someday

My swing back toward thinking a lot about my lover recently removed (which basically happened right after I got over the anger) is being tempered by a message from the Universe, one of those that if you ignore the first one, you get it again in a slightly different form, and that message goes something like this:

"Honey you know you need someone this next time around whom you love, love, love like your last dude, but he also needs to be someone who is ready to say "we'll figure it out together."

Might sound crazy, but if I had to identify the biggest problem we had as a couple, it was that those words came out of my mouth, but they never came out of his. He didn't see it that way, the way I really wanted to see it, that we were joining our lives and his problems and my problems and whatever life had already handed us to deal with and everything it will be handing us in the future -- that all of that was now ours. I knew that was missing. I tried to see if I could get him on board with it, but, I don't know, really, I guess he just didn't want to do that, or didn't feel he had it in him for some reason:

You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

Yeah, Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty fame seems to know a little something about this:

And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday

As much as it breaks my heart to entertain the possibility that it won't be his arms wrapped around me, his weight on top of me, his voice saying my name(s), and it really, truly does break my heart, I know I'll be better off with someone who'll want to be a we with me to figure all this out:

And I don't want to wait
I just want to know
I just want to hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow

Cause maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday

What I don't know is when, or whether, I'll ever stop hoping he will be a we with me, because when I read the lyrics of the last verse:

Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over again

That was all I could think about.

Luckily though, it isn't bringing me down like it was. I mostly had a day today where I appreciated the freedom that I have and the many wonderful parts of my life. Like the fact that my ride to work takes me along the lakeshore, or the fact that I had enough extra time on my way to sub a yoga class that I got to stop off on my bike for a dilly bar at DQ. Or the fact that when no one showed up for the class I was supposed to sub, including the studio manager, I decided to ride over to the gym and go for a swim instead - never mind that I didn't have my bathing suit. I just dove in wearing my clothes. It felt awesome, and the bikeride home wasn't nearly as hot soaking wet!