Gone, Gone, Gone

Three years ago today, I went to a wedding. I went with an open mind and an open heart, but also having made a list. On the list, I'd carefully defined what was important to me in my next man. I had the sense that it would be better if I didn't choose the guy myself, but I wanted the Universe to have some data about the man it was to provide.

I asked the groom for a nominee (the Universe needs helpers after all), and he pointed to the man with whom I've since spent the better part of these last three years.

The night we met, he wasn't a happy guy. He was recently divorced, and having been there myself, I did my best to talk him through all the tough emotions that go with the D-word:

When life leaves you high and dry
I'll be at your door tonight
If you need help, if you need help.
I'll shut down the city lights,
I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe
To make you well, to make you well.

When enemies are at your door
I'll carry you away from war
If you need help, if you need help.
Your hope dangling by a string
I'll share in your suffering
To make you well, to make you well.

I wanted to help make him well, as the song selected to mark this day goes, and soon, over email and then phone calls, he would:

Give me reasons to believe
That you (he) would do the same for me.

Though we were crazy about each other even before the first weekend we spent together, when I flew out to New England, it seemed even crazier to think that maybe it would work out between us, so we tried to break up.

It didn't take:

And I would do it for you, for you.
Baby, I'm not moving on
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone.
I love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

So we dated long distance for about a year, and then, having recently finished a career-changing degree, he embarked on a cross-country move to be by my side:

When you fall like a statue
I'm gon' be there to catch you
Put you on your feet, you on your feet.
And if your well is empty
Not a thing will prevent me.
Tell me what you need, what do you need?

A big, bold move for sure. And though it was hard, at times, for both of us to stay open in the face of challenges, much of which included demons from both of our life histories, my love for him always brought me back to this point:

I surrender honestly.
You've always done the same for me.

Yep. He always did, until one day, he didn't. He started talking about moving back East. I tried to convince him that wasn't really what he wanted or needed, and then surrendered to it, at first believing that I could stay with him even if he felt he needed to leave:

So I would do it for you, for you.
Baby, I'm not moving on,
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone.
I love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

But then he went on a trip out there this Spring, and I realized that although I would most definitely love him long after he'd gone, I needed my person to be physically present. And I began to let myself wonder if maybe, against my heart's protests, my person would end up being someone else:

You're my back bone.
You're my cornerstone.
You're my crutch when my legs stop moving.
You're my head start.
You're my rugged heart.
You're the pulse that I've always needed.
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.
Like a drum my heart never stops beating...

And then he really did leave (my heart and our mutual friend had to see it to believe it):

And long after you're gone, gone, gone.
I love you long after you're gone, gone, gone.

That I do, and I always will. But I don't want to sleep alone for too long, so I'm gonna have to deviate a little from the Phillip Phillips lyrics and end my version of the song like this:

Baby I'm gonna have to move on

Not too long after you're gone, gone, gone.

Oh, and Universe? About my list. I don't think there's much that I would change about the list from the last time we gave this a whirl. What I think needs to change, whether it is my last lover coming back or someone new, is me making sure that all those that are vital to my health and well-being are met before I close the deal.

It's going to be interesting to see if my heart is willing to play along with that strategy. It won't be easy for it, that's for sure, when you consider that it closed the deal with the last guy (and in many ways I'd say the only guy it ever truly closed the deal with) before I could say: "But wait he just got divorced and we live in two regions of the country and he wants to be near the mountains and I want to be with my kids and I can't move away from Madison because of my custody agreement so how's that going to work?"

Yeah. Hmmmm. Maybe it isn't.

This whole experience has just really left me feeling like I have a lot left to learn. And I think I'm ok with that. Learning is good. Learning = growth, and growth makes me a better mother, a better human being, a better yoga teacher, a better friend, a better writer, a better sister, a better daughter, and maybe, just maybe, a better lover...