Babe

This past weekend, I talked to my favorite New Englander for the first time since he left. It's difficult, I think for both of us and I know for me, to figure out how to navigate what we're going through right now. In the past I've always tried to control things that didn't seem to be working out, regardless of how I felt. I made rules for myself and rules for us.

Time after time, in this relationship, my heart has told me in no uncertain terms that my rules are irrelevant. I don't know if it's that once you let this kind of love in, it never leaves, or how to explain it, but I know that despite his decision to move across the country, I haven't stopped wanting to be with him:

Babe I'm leavin'
I must be on my way
The time is drawing near
My train is going
I see it in your eyes
The love, the need, your tears
But I'll be lonely without you
And I'll need your love to see me through
So please believe me
My heart is in your hands
And I'll be missing you

As I was biking all over Madison yesterday, this was the song I heard in my head, the song I sang as I pedaled, and it's the song I woke up to this morning, all inspired by him calling me babe in our phone conversation on Sunday. It felt sooooo good, it was such a relief, to hear that word come out of his mouth, directed at me:

'Cause you know it's you babe
Whenever I get weary
And I've had enough
Feel like giving up
You know it's you babe
Givin' me the courage
And the strength I need
Please believe that it's true
Babe, I love you

I love being his babe. That much is crystal clear. My confusion is that another part of me feels really strongly, and this is a real part of me, not fear talking, that I need a man who is physically present and therefore capable of making me feel loved in my love languages (thanks to Gary Chapman for this id): quality time and physical touch. This hasn't changed, which is why I don't feel like I can remain committed to someone who can't deliver the love I want and need and deserve (and he doesn't expect me to):

Babe, I'm leavin'
I'll say it once again
And somehow try to smile
I know the feeling we're tryin' to forget
If only for a while
'Cause I'll be lonely without you
And I'll need your love to see me through
Please believe me
My heart is in your hands
'Cause I'll be missing you

But it's ok. I can live with being a little confused for a while about how all this is going to play out. One thing's for sure: I'm not going to deal with it by making more arbitrary rules. His departure has softened me. It's taken away an element of my need to control. These things are good. It's also testing my faith that I'm going to have everything I want, I just don't get to control when or how or who. That last one's especially tricky. Because when you love someone like I love him, the last thing you feel or want to be is neutral on the who. The who for me seems very, very clear:

Babe, I love you
Babe, I love you
Ooo-oo-oo-oo, babe