Colorblind

My coworker was listening to music today at her desk -- some of which I didn't recognize -- but I knew this voice when this song came on:

I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am fine

When I was like 20 years old, I loved, loved, loved the Counting Crows, and although I don't seek them out anymore, I do still enjoy their stuff when I come across it. I've always found their lyrics semi-nonsensical, usually in a good way, and this song is no exception.

I'm particularly responding to the "pull me out from inside" line -- it kinda feels like that's what's going to be necessary for me if I'm going to get to the point where feeling good isn't predicated on no one messing with the story I'm telling myself in that moment about why things are the way they are and how they can be fixed.

True surrender is hard for me. I suppose it's hard for everyone, but I know it's hard for me because I've always needed to control things to feel ok. Trouble is, I'm old (wise?) enough now to 1) know that I can't control things, and 2) recognize that I tend to feel best when I'm not trying to control things. But oh, how I want to...

I mentioned the other day that my acupuncturist said my kidneys are really in need of some love, and tonight I was talking to a friend who owns Louise Hay's book about what it means when you have issues with a certain part of your body. When she read me what it said about the kidneys, it talked about disappointment and failure and dealing with those things like a small child. And that really resonated with me.

I am disappointed that my lover moved away. I do feel like as hard as I tried to make it work, and I tried really, really hard, I failed. Never mind that that was never my job. And then when my friend tells me, as she did tonight, that she sees me meeting someone who wants to have a family and wants to live in Madison and it won't have to be so hard, tears roll down my face and I shake my head and say "But I don't wanna meet someone else! I wanna be with him!" That sounds maybe a wee bit childish, eh?

The Counting Crows know how it is:

I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside

Yep. Something or someone's going to have to pull me out from inside. And I guess I'm just going to have to ask for the willingness to let go of what doesn't work to make room for what does, even if that's not what I feel like doing, because:

I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am fine

No, I'm not ready, and I'm not fine. But one day I will be. Pull me out from inside. You'll see...