You've Got Time

When my internet was down last week, I missed it for two reasons:

1) I missed writing this blog, which is more important to me when I'm dealing with something hard than when everything's going smoothly. I guess all, or at least most, art is like that. It's as if being raw fuels it in a way that being happy just doesn't.

2) I was 12 episodes into Orange is the New Black, the new Netflix original series, and I really wanted to watch the last one. Luckily, my smartphone will do in a pinch for watching Netflix, so I got to see the hot lesbian scenes, only smaller. Phew.

Since I've been watching the show, the theme song has been running through my head on and off:

The animals, the animals
Trapped, trapped, trapped 'till the cage is full
The cage is full
Stay awake
In the dark, count mistakes
The light was off but now it's on
Searching the ground for a bitter song
The sun is out, the day is new
And everyone is waiting, waiting on you
And you've got time
And you've got time

Think of all the roads
Think of all their crossings
Taking steps is easy
Standing still is hard
Remember all their faces
Remember all their voices
Everything is different
The second time around

The lyrics that stay with me, playing on repeat over and over again, are these:

Taking steps is easy, standing still is hard

And they make me think of my recently departed lover. I do think he finds taking steps easier than standing still. I suppose a lot of us do, maybe even all of us, just to different degrees. I'm continuing to get lots of exercise, and I chopped my hair off -- both of which are at least somewhat related to the desire to take steps when standing still feels particularly hard. Have I mentioned it's feeling hard?

Last week I went to a yin yoga class -- a first for me -- which was also all about standing still and working through your shit. Releasing it. Holding poses for at least three minutes, and up to ten minutes. We were in one pose, and I was really hating it even though it is one I practice all the time with much shorter holds, and she said "When you get to the point where you can't stand it anymore -- that's when the pose starts." Hmmm.

I reckon I'll go back to that class this week. It feels like what I need. Maybe to balance out all the running, maybe to release my lover from my hips, my bones, my nether region, even if, or maybe especially because, that's the last thing I want to do:

Taking steps is easy, standing still is hard.

Yep. And when I got home today, I felt so crappy that I had to fight the urge to just crawl into bed at 6pm. Acutally, I didn't fight the urge to crawl into bed, I did, and I read a bunch of my book, and then I fought the urge to stay there. 

Instead, I got up, I fired up a yin yoga class on youtube, and I forced myself to practice. And I had some intense releases.

Alas, I still feel like I'm going through the motions tonight. I made dinner, a really tasty, summer pasta dinner with fresh veggies, and I started watching a new series, this one on youtube, called Susanna. TV is my friend in these dark times. I try as hard as I can to deal with this loss consciously, but at a certain point, I really need an escape...