Holding Back the Years

I heard this song on the radio in the car today, and the first verse, in particular, felt perfect for marking this day:

Holding back the years
Thinking of the fear I've had so long
When somebody hears
Listen to the fear that's gone
Strangled by the wishes of pater
Hoping for the arms of mater
Get to me the sooner or later

In the past week, in large part because of the weekly trauma recovery group I've just begun attending, I've gotten in touch with the fact that I've been living with what I'd describe as a low level but nearly constant fear my entire life (or at least all that I remember). Being able to see that is actually pretty amazing, and this morning, through sort of a weird set of circumstances that included my insomnia and a problem with my mountain bike, I had a long, unexpected heart to heart with the New Englander. The kind of talk we used to have all the time. It felt soooooo good. The way he hears me is truly a gift -- and it has done so much over the time I've known him to mitigate the fear. But the fear hasn't entirely gone away.

Yep, I've still got some work to do on myself, but I feel nowhere near as dark or desperate as Simply Red gets in the second verse:

Holding back the years
Chance for me to escape from all I've known
Holding back the tears
Cause nothing here has grown
I've wasted all my tears
Wasted all those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Nothing ever could yeah

On a good day, like today, I know that so much has grown, and no tears or years have been wasted:

I've wasted all my tears
Wasted all of those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Cause nothing ever could oh yeah

And so much is good. I've got two amazing kids. I've got a bunch of close relationships with amazing people. I have a strong, healthy body that gets a little stronger and a little more flexible every day with my yoga practice. I've got professional skills and capabilities that are going to take me somewhere -- I just don't know exactly where yet. And I have so much love to give to the man who decides to share his life with me.

So while I wait for the answers to some of those big unknowns:

I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
Holding, holding, holding...