Pictures of You

The New Englander circa late 2010 or 2011, I believe?

Woke up this morning with my old friends from The Cure playing inside my head, and instead of trying to go back to sleep, I plucked this photo from my bedside table and decided to sing it aloud:

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel

I love this particular picture of the New Englander, even though he looks quite a bit different from this now. For the last few years, he's had these awesome lamb chops that are just so wonderfully emblematic of his person. That facial hair is just one of many visible signs of how he became more self-embodied during the time we spent together. He used to feel that he had to be clean shaven to be -- I don't know -- respectable? But he's since figured out that the best kind of respect to bring to a job (and to life) is self-respect, and that comes from knowing who you are and embracing it.

And here's the thing I'm really realizing these days: We come to know and better understand who we are by loving and being loved. But hell yeah, it's scary, especially for those of us wounded while we were young and by the people who were supposed to love us. In the picture on this post I see a man saying "I see you looking at me and really seeing me and I think I like it but it also scares the shit out of me." And it did.

It's true that part of what is scary about letting someone love you is that they will see your shadow side, but maybe even scarier, and I think this is true in our case, is that they will see your magnificence. And that's particularly hard if a) you can't see it in yourself except fleetingly and/or b) you don't feel capable of living up to your own potential. In each of these cases, it can be painful to be confronted with your own loveliness.

When the New Englander and I were first together, I bristled a lot at his gushing about me. I wasn't used to it -- I hadn't dated anyone willing to be so gaga over me since like high school -- and it made me really uncomfortable. I didn't know why at the time that I bristled when he said simple things like "Hi beautiful!" but now I do know why. Because much of the time, I didn't feel beautiful.

Here's the rub: As time went on and I let myself love him all the way, I kept falling further and further in love with myself, too. I've never felt more beautiful than I do now with him when we are embracing our love for one another. I qualify that because we have had a history, in our relationship, of cycling in and out of being able to embrace the love. You know what creeps in when we aren't/can't, don'tcha?

The boys from The Cure sure do. It's fear:

Remembering
You standing quiet in the rain
As I ran to your heart to be near
And we kissed as the sky fell in
Holding you close
How I always held close in your fear
Remembering
You running soft through the night
You were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow
And screamed at the make-believe
Screamed at the sky
And you finally found all your courage
To let it all go

As I work through my old wounds, I am finally finding the courage to let it all go. Is it too late for us?

If only I'd thought of the right words
I could have held on to your heart
If only I'd thought of the right words
I wouldn't be breaking apart
All my pictures of you

I don't rightly know. I do know that the answer to that question doesn't really matter though, because while me finding the courage to let it all go is necessary for me to be happy with the New Englander (or anyone else), it's not enough. He'd have to find that courage too. And I know that he will -- whoever he is. My heart (and a certain other part of me that shall remain nameless but is also quite sure) is sure that my he is the New Englander, but either his isn't sure or he can't quite hear it because it's still covered up by a lot of fear. I get that. I've been there. And I can't control his process. I don't know whether he will ever get to a place where he can fully embrace himself, and I don't know that if he did, that it would mean we would make it.

But I do know this:

There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to feel you deep in my heart
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to never feel the breaking apart
All my pictures of you