Not a Bad Thing

It's super common for people to talk about the importance of timing in romantic relationships. Soon after I met the New Englander, when we both glimpsed that we had all the elements of a great love going for us, he said he was worried that the timing just might not work out for us.

I rejected that notion, in the way that I do, or maybe I could say did, because it didn't fit with my vision, my picture of how my life was going to go. In my picture, when I fell in love like we did, the man I fell in love with was going to swoop in, put a ring on my finger, knock me up, and give me everything I felt I didn't have coming out of my divorce.

Yeah, so that's not how it works. At least, that's not how it worked in our case, as anyone who has visited this blog in the past four years knows.

At the gym today, Justin Timberlake came booming through the speakers, and as he sang, I realized I shared many of the feelings expressed in these lyrics:

Said all I want from you is to see you tomorrow
And every tomorrow, maybe you'll let me borrow your heart
And is it too much to ask for every Sunday
And while we're at it, throw in every other day to start

Yep, that's pretty much how I felt after we spent our first weekend together. And I think he felt that way too, because not so many months later, he did move across the country to share his Sundays and most other days with me:

I know people make promises all the time
Then they turn right around and break them
When someone cuts your heart open with a knife, now you're bleeding
But I could be that guy to heal it over time
And I won't stop until you believe it
'Cause baby you're worth it

But one thing that was tough was that I both wanted to be rescued and needed to be the one to rescue him. Now I understand that what I really needed was to rescue myself and give him the space to rescue himself, but, well, I didn't understand that until after three years had passed and he'd moved away again.

How much of us not being together now is about timing? I think it remains to be seen. Previously I would have said a lot -- because I saw myself as so much more ready and so much less fearful than he. Turns out, I wasn't ready for marriage number two. Thought I was -- but I wasn't -- and neither was he. Also, as I mentioned recently, I was carrying a lot of fear around myself -- fear that got in the way of me having the kind of intimate relationship I want.

There's definitely a part of me -- it was there early on in feeling bad that he had to leave his life behind to be with me, and it's there now because nothing has changed with my geography -- that is feeling this chorus:

So don't act like it's a bad thing to fall in love with me
'Cause you might look around and find your dreams come true, with me
Spent all your time and your money just to find out that my love was free
So don't act like it's a bad thing to fall in love with me, me
It's not a bad thing to fall in love with me, me

But I have to ask myself, how much of me feeling that way is about me not knowing, deep down inside, that I'm worth a cross-country move (or two) and then some?

So once again, I'm gonna work on using this space to heal and accepting what is. Which, for the moment (and almost all the moments since I met him) includes feeling like this about the New Englander:

Now how about I'd be the last voice you hear tonight?
And every other night for the rest of the nights that there are
Every morning I just wanna see you staring back at me
'Cause I know that's a good place to start

No I won't fill your mind
With broken promises and wasted time
And if you fall, you'll always land right in these arms
These arms of mine

At least, he will if he comes close enough for me to catch him...