Closer to Fine

I have a tendency toward the superlative -- and one of the ways that manifests itself is with me thinking, quite often, as a song comes to me to blog about: "this is one of my all-time favorite songs!" I don't know how many all-time favorite songs one person is allotted, (and if I did, I'd insist on having at least one more), but this song has to be on that list. I can't really overstate what these two seemingly self-assured, free-to-be-themselves women meant to me when I was trying to figure out what kind of woman I wanted to be. When I was listening to them often, in my late teens and early 20s, I didn't have any idea who I was in a lot of ways, and worse, I was too afraid to sit still or stay sober long enough to find out.

But they spoke to me -- and through all the booze and the self-consciousness that were so characteristic of that time in my life -- I heard them. Even if I couldn't ground myself in what I learned from their songs in my own body or in my own life, I believed in their truth, and that in itself was a comfort.

Those hard partying days are up for me right now because I'm reading Caroline Knapp's Drinking: A Love Story. It's an excellent book -- chock full of insight into why so many people choose to drink (heavily) and, more specifically, why so many women choose to drink to feel more comfortable with their sexuality. The answer? Because it works -- temporarily, at least.

Though I was often hungover myself while listening to this song, my two favorite lesbians nailed in this verse what we're often looking for but can never find in a bottle:

I stopped by the bar at 3 am

To seek solace in a bottle, or possibly a friend

And I woke up with a headache like my head against a board

Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before

I went in seeking clarity...

These days, I am closer to fine. Because now I know that all the clarity I need is within me -- sometimes I access it by writing, or talking to a friend, or going for a run in the woods, or meditating -- and if clarity's not on the top of the priority list -- I like to change it up -- I can enjoy a tasty beverage and it's accompanying glow - not because I need it, but because I want it.