Forgiveness

Over the last few days, I've been dealing with some really uncomfortable feelings that came up in an exchange with a loved one. And as I so often do, I tried to deal with those feelings in some way other than just to feel them: set conditions, create distance, etc. I then began to feel remorse for the way I'd reacted, remorse that insisted on hanging around even after I'd asked for and received forgiveness. Which is when I realized that maybe the person I most needed to forgive was myself. Because even when we behave in ways of which we are not proud, we usually have a reason. And when the reaction is out of proportion to the current experience, often it is because it carries with it anger, fear or pain from a previous experience.

Grappling with all this, I went to my beloved youtube and searched "Forgiveness." That's how I found this beautiful song, by this equally beautiful woman who was nice enough to keep me company throughout much of the 90s:

And you ask for forgiveness

You’re asking too much

I have sheltered my heart in a place you can’t touch

Don’t believe when you tell me your love is real

Because you don’t know much about heaven boy

If you have to hurt to feel

Besides just being really lovely to watch and listen to, this song has a couple of nuggets that resonate with me. One is her line about not knowing much about heaven if you have to hurt to feel. I've been there, and I've watched (and still watch) others who are there, and it's such a painful place to be.

The other nugget is related to why it is so difficult to get out of that painful place of needing to hurt to feel -- and that is sheltering one's heart in a place the one who hurt you can't touch. To some extent this is important for self-preservation, but on another level, it is only when the heart softens that it is in a position to feel love...