Who Is It

True confessions time: when I say "my ipod" I mean the fully loaded ipod that a dear friend gave me shortly after I split up from my husband. My life was seriously devoid of good music at that time, and she'd just inherited a newer one from her (then) boyfriend. It was never clear whether it was a loan or a gift -- although, whether I get to keep it or not, it has most definitely been a gift. It has made possible moments like this one, where I'm not quite ready to get out of bed, and I have the luxury of reaching over, turning on said ipod, and having all kinds of little surprises come out.

Like this one from Bjork, a woman who possesses not only a beautiful, distinctive voice, but unparalleled visual artistry to boot. Looking at the lyrics of this unknown-to-me-until-this-morning song, it seems she is talking about Jesus or a God of some sort:

His embrace, a fortress

It fuels me

And places

A skeleton of trust

Right beneath us

Bone by bone

Stone by stone

But when I hear this part:

If you ask yourself patiently and carefully:

Who is it?

Who is it that never lets you down?

Who is it that gave you back your crown?

Another layer of meaning emerges for me. I was chatting yesterday with a friend about choices we've made about boyfriends in the past and we talked about this propensity to stick it out with someone even when it is so clear that they don't make you happy. Why do we do it? Could be that mammalian desire to be next to someone, could be that perpetual promise of unrealized potential, could be a failure to be honest with ourselves or to hear others when they attempt to be honest with us... And it's probably a combination of all of those things.

In any case, I'm doing it differently this time around. And part of that means an honest assessment of whether a relationship makes me feel like the best version of myself, or leaves me feeling frustrated, as I have in the past, in the wake of broken promises and emotional distance.

I get it, she is talking about God -- but when it feels right, there's something very God-like about love, even, or maybe especially, as considered in human form:

He demands a closeness

We all have earned a lightness

Carry my joy on the left

Carry my pain on the right

Closeness. Lightness. Sharing of joy and pain. These are the new definition of love for me...