Rehab

I was contemplating using a holiday song today since Christmas is getting so close -- and I probably will over the next few days. But when my ipod fired this feisty number up this morning, it spoke to me. For the past couple of years (since this fully loaded ipod came into my life) it's been a song that makes me reach over and crank up the volume, but this is less because of the subject matter and more just because I happen to love Amy Winehouse's emphatic wail. She seems to inspire strong feelings -- people seem to either love her or think she's pretty ridiculous -- and somehow, I feel a kinship with her.

Anyway, this morning as I was flitting around trying to make sure I was all lined up to do the 50 things on my list for today (made longer and more complex by holiday preparations), this song came on and I really heard the rehab part. It reminded me, once again, how hard the holiday season is for a lot of people. I was first introduced to this concept when I started going to Alanon -- up to that point, I thought everybody else was happy during holidays and it was just me that felt overwhelmed and weighed down by the ghosts of holidays past. I'm so grateful to that program, because it creates a space for people to be real about the really ugly parts of their lives - -and the unburdening that comes from sharing this and knowing others feel the same way goes a long way toward allowing people to co-create more joyful holidays in the present.

I remember when my sister first suggested to me that my Dad was an alcoholic and I should go to Alanon -- I was 15. I finally walked through the door of my first meeting when I was 34. What took me so long? Well, part of it is a very human piece of not wanting to reveal the messy feelings to others that Amy articulates here when she talks about her resistance to rehab:

It's not just my pride

It's just 'til these tears have dried

The other part is that it was a club to which I had no desire to belong -- and I guess somehow I thought if I didn't admit how profoundly I was affected by being raised in an alcoholic home -- it would somehow not be true. But in fact, all of my relationships were being affected by the past and without having an understanding of how this was happening, I really didn't have a shot at getting beyond it.

Probably the most profound lesson I learned in that program was how to check in with myself about what I am feeling and then understand that I always have choices about how to deal with those feelings. I was talking to a friend today who has also come to this get-to-know-your-feelings space later in life about just how huge this revelation is.

Take, for example, how I treat holidays now. I go out of my way to do all the things that help keep me feeling good -- yoga, acupuncture, meditation -- I am clear with my family about what my boundaries are -- and, to the best of my ability, I express my needs and surround myself with people who are willing to hear what I'm feeling and respond accordingly. And as you can imagine, this makes for a much more peaceful holiday season...