Train Song

Listening to music last night before I fell asleep, this somber tune came on, and I was instantly transported into the magical world of Tom Waits.

As I listened to the chorus:

Well it was a train that took me away from here

But a train can't bring me home

I thought just how profound a statement it was. Just having finished the memoir about drinking, it seemed particularly fitting -- and though I've ridden the train taking me away from me driven by booze, I've also jumped on a few other trains in my life -- the most addictive of which, for me, has been men.

Obsessing about them has been really effective at keeping me from feeling and dealing with my own stuff, but as Tom says, that never led me back to me.

As I've worked to put down this obsession, making more room for real experiences (most of which exceed my fantasies since most of those were based, at least in part, on my previous experiences), I am finding myself again.

Still, I find that even a relatively healthy relationship with a man can lead me away from me -- and the more willing I am to jump on the train that brings me home -- which for me is most often yoga, meditation, running, rest -- the more at home I am in my own skin, the better I feel, and the more I have to give to others...