Candy

I go through stretches where I can feel that things are being unearthed, whether from yoga, or bodywork, or environmental triggers. Sometimes when this happens, I feel up for seeing what's under there, for allowing it to be revealed. But sometimes I don't. And when I don't, I usually engage in some sort of escape, and generally my favorite to indulge during these times is vino.

Being the child and the granddaughter and the niece of alcoholics, I'm quite aware when this is happening, but I often do it anyway, for a finite period of time, when the alternative is to feel something yucky. I've been hitting the white wine (mainly because it's been hot) with gusto these last couple of weeks, but I decided to put the kibosh on that last night because my half marathon is coming up in three days.

At yoga last night I could feel the energy moving, but it wasn't until I was in the car on the way to the airport to pick up my son and parents that it hit me: An engulfing sadness. As I sobbed, I remembered people telling me I had to feel it, I had to let it in, or it wouldn't be released.

I was aware of not wanting to dwell on the sadness or feel too sorry for myself -- it already feels to me like it is taking me a long time to move through this heartbreak. Maybe it's taking longer because I sometimes choose not to feel. In fact, I am sure that's the case. But I gotta do what I can when I'm ready. And I have a feeling this weekend coming up in the U.P. is going to be a reset button for me, I really do, and I sure could use one.

Anyway, I woke up this morning with this song in my head:

Beautiful beautiful
Girl from the north
You burned my heart
With a flickering torch
I had a dream that no one else could see
You gave me love for free

Candy, Candy, Candy I can't let you go
All my life you're haunting me
I loved you so

Candy, Candy, Candy I can't let you go
Life is crazy
Candy baby

It's in my head this morning because in the middle of my in-transit crying jag last night, it came on the radio, reminding me about the time in my last relationship when we were dating long distance. We often sent each other songs -- and at one point he sent me this one. I remember him saying he'd had the hots for Kate Pierson, and I remember just being so thrilled by the whole thing. His coolness was definitely a big draw.

And that Kate Pierson, she's not just a hottie, she can sing -- and she sings my favorite part of this song:

I've had a hole in my heart
For so long
I've learned to fake it and
Just smile along
Down on the street
Those men are all the same
I need a love
Not games
Not games

Me too Kate, me too...