Feel the Pain

I had a rough evening last night. Yoga class was really difficult, physically and emotionally, and it brought up some pretty difficult feelings. When I got home, I had half a mind to go into it deeper, but I didn't have the strength to keep feeling it.

It seems my Dinosaur Jr. friends have had a similar experience:

I feel the pain of everyone
Then I feel nothing
I feel the pain of everyone
Then I feel nothing

On more than one occasion of late, people have suggested that I need to really allow the grief to come in - saying that's what will best promote its release. I gotta admit, I'm kinda baffled by this. What have I been doing for the last 3-8 months if not grieving? Is there really more grief waiting inside me that's bigger or darker or meaner than what I've already experienced? Shit. I don't feel like I can take it.

I guess maybe the roughness last night is it was my first night going to my yin class -- which is about deep release -- without the crutch of my fantasy that he's coming back. Now it's just me and the cold, hard facts of the situation: I loved with my whole heart, mind, body and soul. Another being met me there, maybe even took me there, and then left me. Sometimes the pain of that reality is so great that all I can do is find a way to escape it:

I feel the pain of everyone
Then I feel nothing
I feel the pain of everyone
Then I feel nothing

But I know that won't take me where I want to go.

Is it up to me?
You won't wait to see
Screwed us both again
About as close as you dare

Yep, Sarah, it is up to you. It's up to you to find the strength in yourself to show up to this pain and, when you're ready, not disappear again. Stay. Because you want to really show up for the life you were meant to live, not what you believe should happen in the scarcity-based place your fear can take you.

I feel the pain of everyone
Then I feel nothing
I feel the pain of everyone
Then I feel nothing

Nah. I accept that this is what I've been able to do up to this point, but now I'm asking for the willingness to resist going to the place where I feel nothing. I know it'll be hard, but I also know that what will be revealed will be worth feeling all the pain...