Patience

Love G'n'R's Patience, but this same-titled song by my new favorite male artist just might be even cooler:

I'm running out of patience to be fucking with this now
You better believe me when I say this now
I'm packing up my nightmares and I'll be on my way
You better find me some time when you have more to say

My only complaint is that it's super short -- that's the one and only verse -- but he really packs a lot into four lines, doesn't he?

On the subject of nightmares, usually I dream about either kissing him or other men, but last night I dreamt about him kissing other women, which is still really more like a nightmare for me than a dream:

I'm packing up my nightmares and I'll be on my way

Oh wait, I can't. And that's what makes being the one left behind harder than being the one who leaves: I can't pack up my nightmares and be on my way, like he did. I have to stay right here, in the bed we slept in together, on the couch he laid on every time he was at my house, with my kids' memories of him...

There's really nowhere to go, (except temporarily, and I am looking very forward to my weekend away), so I guess I just have to stay here, feel it, and trust that it will keep getting easier. There'll be days, for example, when I don't have to start by waking up and remembering those images. Most days. Just not today.

But as germane as the nightmares line was to last night's sleep, it's the last line that most speaks to what hurts in my heart:

You better find me some time when you have more to say

I know it's not my job to say what someone else had "better" do, but it really, really hurts, and has for quite some time, that he never seems to get to that point. How we went from such a space of open-hearted dialogue to such a shutdown silence is both beyond my comprehension and really, really difficult to sit with...