Everything Breaks

I've been lucky enough, in the last couple of days, to have lots of quality time with my daughter while my son's away on an overnight trip down the Wisconsin River.

When I asked her what she wanted to do with the evening we had alone together, she selected seeing Smurfs 2, which is the origin of today's selection:

Another fairytale down the drain
And all the pages washed away
Why won't anything last these days
Like love's got an expiration date

Not my usual fare, but we had an interesting conversation along these lines during our time together. We were passing the office where she went to therapy after her Dad and I got divorced, and she asked me a question about therapy - did I really think it helped? I told her I did, and I told her I hadn't seen my therapist since December but I was going again next week. She asked why, and I said I just need some help dealing with my feelings about my love leaving. "Oh. Yeah..." she said knowingly. Then she asked if I was going to get another boyfriend and I said that was one of the reasons I was going to therapy -- I don't really want anybody else, just like these lyrics from the Smurfs 2 soundtrack say:

Even when it rains I still want no-no-no nobody else

But at the same time, I know I want someone who is here, and he is not here, so I guess I need help getting to the point where I can be more open to someone else. Processing the loss as a loss, as it were, which I'm sorta doing and I'm sorta just still waiting for the fairytale ending I've been pulling for all along, because I know:

Everything breaks but our love won't, love won't
Everything breaks but our love don't, love don't

And while I want my daughter to understand that the love can (and does) go on, I'm having trouble allowing it to do so while letting go at the same time. It's a tall order -- and one I can't manage alone. Lucky for me, I don't have to -- I can go to therapy and seek other sources of help.

Even luckier for me is that I have this daughter for whom and by whom I'm extremely motivated to deal with this loss so I can be more present as a mother as well as open to the possibility of someone who'll be able to be the partner to me and the stepdad to her and her brother that we all deserve...