Out the Door

What an amazing day! I spent it with one of my favorite people in this world, probably my very favorite person to see movies with, and the only man with beautiful, beautiful arms with whom I am closely acquainted but not sexually drawn to, because, well, he's my gay boyfriend.

I loved him from the moment I met him four years ago on a yoga retreat on Maui, but we've grown closer over the years for sure. One of the many things we share is that we were both raised by alcoholics, and he's recently become curious about what it means to grapple with that kind of history. So we started our day today with an Alanon meeting -- one I attended regularly for a couple of years. The meeting was a good reminder that the only person I can control is me, that the world does not and will not behave according to my will, so I may as well just let go of any illusion of control. When it was my turn to speak, I talked about my own recent experience of trying to force something to work because I wanted it so badly -- and y'all know what that's about.

Next stop was a delicious brunch at Dohban, during which we dissected, and I think managed to largely quell, his fears and desire to control his budding romance with a man in Provincetown. I am so excited for him to be in such an open-hearted place -- a place where he is more willing to be vulnerable than I've ever seen him. And when he says he'll be fucked if this doesn't work out, I can relate -- and y'all know what that's about too.

After browsing at some offbeat shops and hitting a coffee bar, we grabbed a Kombucha and headed back to the West side to take in The Way, Way Back at Sundance. I was worried that it would hit a little close to home, or at least the childhood home of someone to whom I'm closely connected -- since it was partially filmed in Marshfield, Massachusetts. And it did hit close to home, but more in terms of my own parents and my own choices as a parent than anything else.

I was also keenly aware that this might be the last movie we see together, at least in Madison, since one of the consequences of falling in love with someone from another state is that when you're really into them, you move to where you can be close to them. (And I'm really, really hoping for his sake that his cross country move doesn't end the way the one made for me did.)

One of the songs from the soundtrack just happened to be about the liberation that you feel when you fall for someone and, for a time at least, believe that being close enough to that person to hold his or her hand is all that matters:

Here I go out the door
I don’t need no more
Here I stand, I got your hand
There’s no need to know which way to go

Which way to go, honey
I don’t mind, I don’t mind
Which way to go, honey
I don’t mind, I don’t mind
I really don’t mind.

Here I go out the door
I don’t need no more
Here I stand, I got your hand
There’s no need to know
Which way to go out the door
I don’t need no more
Here I stand, I got your hand
There’s no need to know
There’s no need to know

After the movie, he went to the grocery store and bought food to cook for us and wine for us to drink, and then we enjoyed a few more hours of conversation and a little bodywork (for my many maladies) before he left to go home.

I cried when he left; today was probably our last whole day together in Madison, and he's one of my closest friends. Among other things, he's one of a handful of people in my life who truly understand the magnitude of the loss I've recently suffered, and now he's leaving for that side of the country too.

Yep, it sucks for me, but I'm too damn psyched for him and the manner in which he is embracing life not to back his move 100 percent. That's the thing about gay boyfriends, the lack of sexual tension makes everything so much cleaner, so much more straightforward than I could ever feel about a man leaving with whom I had the best sex of my life.

To date, that is. I should not neglect to add those two important words, because I know that all aspects of my life will go on without my best-sex-ex-boyfriend, even those that I didn't dream I'd be doing with anyone other than him -- or should I say even those I dreamed I'd only be doing with him...