Coming Around Again

I really dislike cleaning, but I could avoid it no longer with my parent's imminent arrival, so I used a trick I sometimes use to get myself to do it; I fired up a movie on Netflix. This time my selection was Heartburn, with Jack Nicholson and Meryl Streep, from 1986. I don't think I'd ever heard of it, but it was a very satisfying clean-while-you-watch.

The main premise is that Meryl's character marries Jack's knowing he's a philanderer and then guess what? He cheats on her. Repeatedly. Even though they have two kids together. Even though he promised her he wouldn't. Even though she's absolutely lovely.

As Carly Simon's voice started singing this song in the background:

Baby sneezes
Mummy pleases
Daddy breezes in
So good on paper
So romantic
But so bewildering

I had a pretty interesting thought, which is that maybe the problem is the expectation of happily ever after, the expectation that there's someone out there who will value us above all others, who will always be thinking about what's right for the family, who couldn't possibly do the one thing you most feared he'd do:

I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
There's more room in a broken heart

I love that the last line of that verse is similar to what my acupuncturist said about an empty heart being a beautiful place. There is a lot of room in a broken heart. It's big, sometimes even giant, and often it feels all-encompassing. To view that as possibly being a good thing is oddly comforting.

There may also be another misconception about heartbreak, which is that we think that certain things shouldn't happen to us. We try to assign "if I do this, this should happen" -- but our lives aren't a science experiment or a math problem. We choose to have relationships with other human beings, and we bring our own stuff to the table, but in entering the relationship, we're signing up to deal with the other person's too. And sometimes the other person's stuff might just cause them to break our hearts. Like Jack's character did. And like my last love did, too.

The thing about falling in love is, you can play it safe, but why would ya?

And I believe in love
But what else can I do
I'm so in love with you

I'd rather be with crazy, sexy, cool Jack Nicholson for a few good years before it all goes wrong than stay with a safe guy my whole life, and maybe that's not so different from what just played out in my own life? Maybe it happened just the way it was supposed to happen? The point is, I don't know, and I don't get to decide. I just have to be able to accept what is. I'm working on that, and for the time being, I'm comforted by Carly's assurance that it'll be coming around again, because you know I'm willing to play the game:

I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It will be coming around again.

At the end of the movie, Meryl's character talks about when a dream breaks into a million little pieces, saying that when that happens you have two choices. You either continue to try to hold onto that dream, as unbearable and implausible as it is, or you dream a new dream. She decides to dream a new dream, and that's the choice I'm making too...