Life is Short

Me at 43: I am young but I have aged

Heard this song yesterday for the first time, and it feels appropriate as my new theme song:

When it doesn't rain it snows
Yeah the cookie crumbles but in who's hand?
All things said and all things done
Life is short

Oh I am young but I have aged
Waited long to seize the day
All things said and plenty done...life's too short

Because this is the overwhelming feeling I have right now: How'd I get to be 43 with so much in my life still a big question mark? I know that it isn't all that uncommon, I really do. As I think I've mentioned here before, I've heard we don't move into our true work until we're in our 40s.

And as for the not getting the marriage thing right yet, well, I'm not alone there either. With 1 out of 2 marriages ending in divorce, plenty of the ones holding it together now won't be for long. Plus, I'm glad I'm not in that spot. I'm glad I didn't cling to a marriage that was lacking in so many ways.

I guess part of what is going on for me this early morning is I'm mad at myself for clinging to the man I fell in love with on the cusp of my 40s. I talk a good game about letting go, but the truth is, I'm still asking someone to see me, recognize me, love me in a way that he can't. Or won't. I don't know which it is, I really don't, and it doesn't really matter anyway.

Mother's Day has traditionally been kind of a tough day for me. When I was a kid, I found it confusing. I was supposed to thank my mother for always being there for me, for being so great, but I didn't feel those things. She wasn't always there for me, and while she may be a divine human being like the rest of us, as a mother, she wasn't so great.

And then there was/is the disappointment of Mother's Day with my babydaddy. Here's a day to underscore the fact that women around the country are being recognized for the Moms that they are, while the father of my children complains about Hallmark creating a holiday on which he is supposed to do something. Which of course, wouldn't be nearly as significant if he did it during all the days that aren't Mother's Day, but he either doesn't see the Mother that I am or he refuses to acknowledge it. And I guess I'm still working on accepting that.

But this is also why it was so significant for me to find someone who did see and celebrate my Momness, and why yesterday, the first Mother's Day in four years where my last love didn't express that, was so difficult. And as I write, I recognize that this is just another layer of letting go that I need to do. It's hard as hell, yeah, but what's the alternative? Cling to something that doesn't deliver? Nah. I've come too far. I've worked too hard. I won't do that.

Plus, the two beauties for whom it is most important to feel and appreciate my Momness, my children, do. They made me beautiful cards and big hugs and helped me clean the basement, a task that has been hanging over me for weeks.

So back to the theme song for a moment:

Ooooh could this be....
Ooooh could this be the day I've waited for?

Yes, I think it is. This is the day on which I pledge that I will feel grateful for what I have and what I am rather than what I lack or what I am not:

Another door to peek in through
The floor is filthy
But the couch is clean
At the end of the day
That's another day gone
Life is short....Ooo life is short

Ooooh
Could this be....
Ooooh
Could this be the day I've waited for?

Yes, I think today is the day. The day I stop indulging in fantasies that keep me locked in an emotional vortex that is compelling mainly for its similarity to the lack of consistent love and recognition from my father, a vortex I no longer want to swirl around in:

Oh I am young but I have aged
Waited long to seize the day
All things said and plenty done
Oh I am young but I have a past
Travelled far to find the start
Yes I am scared and I've been burnt
But life is short

Ooooh
Could this be...
Ooooh
Could this be the day I've waited for?

Here's hoping...