In the End

I'm so grateful that I am listening to this Brene Brown book right now, because it is really helping me understand what went wrong in my last relationship. One of the biggest mysteries for me has been how it can feel so good to be together - only to have it slip out of reach again.

When the New Englander came for a visit in late March, we were both reminded of how good we are together, both the two of us and the four of us. When he left, neither of us cried. We shared a passionate kiss and embrace and left each other smiling. I can't speak for him, but I was happy because it felt like "Yes. This is what we thought it was, and we are going to do this."

A couple of weeks after he got home, he stopped texting. I started realizing that he would return my calls or emails or texts, but not initiate them. He'd disengaged. I'd seen this pattern before, plus this time, listening to Brene Brown's talks on vulnerability, I had her words to help me understand it. She says that disengagement is a betrayal of trust, and it's crazymaking, because there isn't one thing you can point to, like an affair, to say this is how you hurt me, but they are hurting you just by not showing up. Yep.

The other thing she said that really helped me understand my experience -- the great visit followed by the no-show boyfriend -- was this line of hers: "When we lose our capacity for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding." It was almost as if joy necessitated a crash. Which sucks.

That's where Linkin Park comes in:

(It starts with one)
One thing I don't know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
(All I know)
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
(It’s so unreal)
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn’t even know
I wasted it all just to watch you go

Uh-huh. You sing it boys. You get me:

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to be will eventually be a memory of a time when...

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

You kept everything inside and even though I tried...

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

Yep. I tried so far. And got so far. But in the end, it doesn't even matter...