Optimistic

Yesterday I put my ipod on shuffle, seeing what it would choose for my birthday. I forwarded right past the first song -- a song I hope I never have to mark a day with because it's really freaking depressing -- Alone by Low. Apropos, at least the title, but too dang somber.

But the very next song was more like it, title and chorus:

You can try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough

And I am feeling much more optimistic today after an early morning, tearful phone call in which the man I've spent nearly four years loving and I called it quits. For reals. I know, I know, I've probably said that before, but this time it feels really different. It feels like it is time to give us both a chance to be where we need to be in life, and as fond as we are of each other, that just isn't together.

This time there isn't the same hope, at least on my part, that if this just happens or that just happens in time or in the right way, etc., etc., etc., we will be able to be together. It's just not going to work. Period. End of story.

It's sad. It's disappointing. And a part of me feels angry, though I know from my years in Alanon that anger is an emotion that has one of three things lurking underneath: hurt, fear, or frustration. Yeah, I feel all three of those, thank you very much, but most of all, I feel hurt. I felt more frustration before we threw in the towel -- now I feel more peace -- but I am definitely hurting. And fear? Yeah. A little. I know it is irrational, but I've never had a love like that before, so there's a little bit of fear that I never will again. I believe I will, I do, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to a little bit of fear that I won't.

The last time we broke up, my whole life was consumed with the grief. I guess the good news is, that means I've already done a lot of the grieving. It feels like it's time to move on now, and like I can move on now. I've been tired of being alone for nearly a year now -- and now I can actually do something about it.

This one's optimistic...

...about the new love that is coming her way. It just has to be.