That's the Way It Is

I think it was four years ago (could've been five) that Michael Stone, yoga and meditation teacher, came to Madison to teach a workshop and I attended the Friday night talk. I hadn't signed up for the weekend because I didn't have the cash, and after the Friday night talk, I was kind of glad I hadn't. I was super drawn to him/really wanted to get in his pants (this was during my newly liberated, sex seeking stage). I think I posted some (now) embarrassing Facebook message alluding to his hotness -- definitely not appropriate but that just wasn't my middle name during that period.

He returns to Madison each year, and the combination of not having the cash and feeling embarrassed about that post kept me from signing up for a number of years, but this year I was in a different space. I had the cash, figured he wouldn't even remember about the post, and was no longer worried about desire getting in the way of learning from him.

Today was the first full day. The studio was really crowded, with almost double what we normally have in the room, so lack of space was an issue. It was different than I thought, too. I thought my regular Ashtanga practice would prepare me for what we did -- and it did, sort of -- but I felt like I did as much unlearning as learning which surprised me quite a bit. And for a three hour asana practice, we really didn't do that much.

After our lunch break, we had to sit in meditation. I'd been dreading this part, and it was every bit as bad as I thought it was going to be. Afterward he asked people to share their experiences, and I said I kept wondering whether, if I'm spending the whole time thinking "I fucking hate meditating!" am I really getting any of the benefits? He must've spent 10 minutes responding to what I said, which didn't feel super comfortable, but I got a lot out of it. He said he forgot to tell us not to bring ourselves to our cushion. That we're not doing meditation, we're just breathing, and if we let the mind attach a story to an emotion that arises, we just keep feeding it and it can't shift. Which is exactly what I experienced. He said he'd had the same experience when he first started, and although he probably wouldn't love the use of Celine Dion to mark this day, this song was going through my mind on my bike ride home:

I can read your mind and I know your story
I see what you're going through
It's an uphill climb, and I'm feeling sorry
But I know it will come to you

Celine doesn't say "if you just put in the time practicing," but I'm really beginning to think that these two things are linked. This desire I have for a different kind of intimacy than I've experienced before and my inability/difficulty sitting still. If I can't be intimate with myself - -and nothing, nothing, nothing is more intimate with the self than seated meditation -- how can I expect to be in a relationship with someone else that is characterized by the kind of intimacy I want?

Don't surrender 'cause you can win
In this thing called love

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

I don't know Celine. I think maybe love comes to those who practice. Michael challenged me to start a 5 minute daily morning meditation practice and come back next year and tell him how it's going. I like a challenge, and I'm goal driven. Especially when the goal is loving myself -- and ultimately loving and being loved by someone else -- more wholeheartedly.